Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Into the Wild Blue Yonder
Today I flew in a very small airplane with my husband to and from our job across the state. It wasn't my first time to fly in this particular airplane, but it feels like the first time EVERY time. The stress of the whole thing wears on me mentally and physically. The day starts early and ends late and my life literally flashes before me like every other minute. I'm hot and cold and cramped and need to pee and can't, but all the while feel happy for the break from driving and for the fact that I'll be back at home in bed with my babies instead of having to spend the night away. I pray so hard the entire day (and night before) that it almost hurts. The story of Stephanie Nielson played over and over in my head and all I could think about is that I would choose to live. If the plane crashed, because they sometimes do, and I was hurt or burned really badly, I would choose to live. I would rather live in pain and watch my children grow than to die. Flying in that little tin can contraption makes me face death and the prospect of leaving this Earth and everyone behind. I am forced out of my bullet proof comfort zone and made to look at all that I am blessed to have and consider all that I have to lose. What terrifies me most is the thought of my kids living without my kind of love. The love that only a mother can give them. And then when my husband and I are flying together, I think about how they would also lose their father...their real life super hero...their protector. Anyway, it all adds up to a very long and soul-searchy day. The thing is...I come out on the other end feeling so thankful to God for every breath in my chest. I actually feel more alive having been so close to death, even if it was only in my mind.